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You can save your marriage. Your marriage relationship can once again become a source of great joy. Let us give you more than marriage advice. Let us share with you some secrets that can transform your marriage . . .
Marriage in Love
- Are you expanded or are you contracted?
- When you contract, what can you do to expand again?
The first question is for you to answer--now, and throughout your day. The second question we will answer in this article.
We marry in love, and then what happens? The dreams and expectations we had as we entered into a committed relationship with our loved one smack up against the harsh reality of daily life.
Our society has conditioned us to dream of marriage as an ideal of happy life. We'll marry, have a trusted partner, have children and a wonderful family life, we'll have someone to share with, to cuddle with, we'll have good sex whenever we want, we'll have a house with a yard, and create a life together.
And even though our mind knows that most marriages are not so ideal, our heart won't listen. The vision of what can be, is too wonderful to let go of.
The Purpose of Marriage
We've been taught that marriage is for happiness. The truth is that marriage is a technique for our growth. Sometimes growth brings happiness. Sometimes it is really uncomfortable.
As long as we expect happiness from our marriage, we will always be on a roller coaster. When we understand that our marriage is a seminar for us to come to know ourself, then our marriage will always be a source of joy and fulfillment.
When we marry we accept our spouse deeply into our hearts. All the deepest, most hidden judgments that I have about my self, I now begin to project on to them. I thought that I was gaining a partner. In reality I have gained a mirror that is reflecting my feelings about my self back to me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
However, most of us live in the illusion that it is our partner who is at fault. If they would just change, then we would be happy.
As long as we hold this view, our marriage will become steadily more and more unbearable. Why? We live in a compassionate universe. When our thoughts are out of sync with reality, then we will get a little nudge to move us back into alignment. If we don't listen, then we'll get a harder push. If we still don't listen we'll get a shove, then a slap, then we'll get knocked flat. For most people, getting knocked flat means a divorce.
When we realize that it is our beliefs, our stories about our partner that need to change, rather than our partner, the whole world shifts. Suddenly we are no longer a victim of our spouse, but the creator of our own happiness.
The Secret of Staying in Love
Are you expanded or are you contracted? The key, the secret to staying in love is to notice, and then ask internally to open again. When there is the sincere desire to open, help will come from places we never would have imagined.
Why is this question of expansion and contraction so important? Because these two experiences are the way that we learn the path to joy and fulfillment in our life.
Remember when you were in deeply in love? How did you treat your partner? Did you notice:
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You spontaneously thought of what would make them happy?
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It was easy to be thoughtful and compassionate?
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Finding ways to give to them was a joy?
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Internally you felt as if you would explode with the fulness of your heart?
This is expansion, fullness, an open and loving heart.
Do you remember what it feels like to contract? Disappointment, frustration, anger, anxiety, worry, fear, tension, grief, . . .
Expansion and contraction are both natural parts of the rythm of life. Everything in our world goes through periods of expansion and contraction. We expand and contract many times throughout our day. As we begin to notice when we contract, we create the opportunity to open again, quickly and effortlessly.
Chris and Janet
It took us quite a few years to learn this lesson. Yet how fulfilling it has been as we have learned it. We have been blessed with maintaining a nurturing and fulfilling relationship, even as the outward expression of our relationship has changed.
Divorce is not a requirement of growth. What is required is that we are more committed to learning, growing, and loving than we are to what our relationship with our spouse looks like.
Marriage requires unconditional love. To love our spouse unconditionally, we need the ability to love ourselves unconditionally. As we notice our own contraction, it points us to where we are not yet loving ourselves.
Getting Support
Our book Staying in Love When the Marriage is Over is just as much for married couples as it is for those who have divorced. The principles of staying in love are about returning to expansion when we contract. They apply as much within our marriage as after we have ended it.
If you have come to this page, we would love to share our experiences to support you in having a marriage which is filled with love. Click here and register to receive sample chapters of our book.
We invite you to discover that life is bliss when you are able to love unconditionally. And the opportunity to live a life of unconditional love is wholly your choice.
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